These were collected from various sources over the years.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the
"in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a
bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that
have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be
50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
2. Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude
now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off.
Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay
inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and
if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business
Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business
as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
Washington National, a lone voice comes over the
loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA"
5. After a particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a
Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome
aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate
your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you
don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out
in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of
cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If
you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two
small children, decide now which one you love more."
7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed
before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you or your money, more than Southwest
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in
the event of an emergency water landing, please take
them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all
of your belongings. Anything left behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please
do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in
the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this
12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy
day. During the final approach, the Captain was really
having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats
with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left of our airplane to the gate."
13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than
perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated
as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he
had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which required the first officer to
stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and
give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for
this little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no, Mam," said the pilot,"what is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and
the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open
the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."
16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And,
the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through
the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think
of us here at US Airways."
RULES OF THE AIR
This appeared in the June 2000 issue of Australian Aviation Magazine
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the
stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick
all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up
there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep
the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided
with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great'
landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make
all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to
taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle
of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to
five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about
might be another aeroplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable
sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the
number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.
The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round
and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger
compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going
hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the
ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgement comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience
usually comes from bad judgement.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's
not subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you,
runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
Airplane Repair Logs
Some entries from the mechanics' logs of repairs done on airplanes:
Discrepancy: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Corrective Action: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Discrepancy: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Corrective Action: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Discrepancy: "Something loose in cockpit."
Corrective Action: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Discrepancy: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid"
Corrective Action: "#2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4
propellers lack normal seepage"
Discrepancy: "Dead bugs on windshield"
Corrective Action: "Live bugs on order"
Discrepancy: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Corrective Action: "Evidence removed."
Discrepancy: "Number three engine missing."
Corrective Action: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Discrepancy: "IFF inoperative."
Corrective Action: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Discrepancy: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick"
Corrective Action: "That's what they're there for"
Discrepancy: "Aircraft handles funny"
Corrective Action: "Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious"
Discrepancy: "Target Radar hums"
Corrective Action: "Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics"
Discrepancy: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Corrective Action: "Volume set to more believable level."
Discrepancy: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Corrective Action: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. -----
A few more?
Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
Speed is life, altitude is life insurance.
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're
Flying is the second greatest thrill known to
man..Landing is the first!
Learn from the mistakes of others.
You won't live long enough to make all of them
Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt
Be nice to your first officer,
he may be your captain at your next airline.
Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to
A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women
when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a
The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
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